If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize