I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
