There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
