No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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