We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
