you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
