I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
