oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
