I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
sarcasm needs its own font
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
