Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
