Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
