youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
