Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
