dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
