There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
