I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
