Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
being pregnant is like rehab
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
