we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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