I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
