blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
