He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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