I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She bit a glass in half.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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