we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
