we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
