im about as happy as oj after his trial
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
