everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My pussy is not your playground.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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