i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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