Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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