Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
