They should really pass out barf bags in church
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
