why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
