Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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