Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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