There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
