My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
