Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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