we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
