I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
