Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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