I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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