there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
