So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
