I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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