somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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