Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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