I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
