So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
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