there's paper in my vomit.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
