No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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