answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
