So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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