just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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